You hear enough women say that women these days – can do it all. I woke up this morning questioning the validity of these statements and the percentage of mothers who have deluded themselves in believing into such overused cliché.
When I was working full-time; I was always worrying about my kids and spent three-quarters of my day feeling very guilty about leaving them to other people. I always felt like I was missing out on seeing them, getting to know them and knowing them completely. It was like a burden I carried all day at work. I didn’t function well and probably got away with just using 2% of my brain if any. I’ve always put my job second and that was fine with me because I knew that if my kids grew up without a sense of direction – then I’ve messed up in a big way and at that point I know the damage would be irrevocable.
Growing up, my mother worked 18-hour days. I always thought she was insane! My father on the other hand; had a 9-5 job and tried very hard to keep order in our home. It was tough; but as my sister and I grew older; we learned to adapt and do things for ourselves. I probably spent a good amount of my teenage years convincing myself that I was fine, that our life was ok and that I didn’t miss out on anything special. My sister and I certainly didn’t have everything but we’ve managed to get decent grades at school; rarely got ourselves in trouble and stayed away from the wrong type of friends. All of that, without my parents pushing us to do better in school or giving us lectures about how to pick the right friends. They were pretty easy-going as far as parents goes. Majority of my friend’s parents also worked; not the kind of long hours my parents did but they dealt with the same things as I did. It was the norm for me and looking back; I have no regrets or anger towards my parents because they weren’t there for my volleyball games or award ceremonies. They did the best they could and if I couldn’t remember any instances when they were present for me – then so be it. I don’t love and respect them any less.
Now that I am a mother of four, I’ve been trying to examine my life a little closer. I’ve been out of the workforce for 1.5 years; mainly because of my health and secondly because I’ve lost my ability to jungle work and family without hyperventilating on the freeway. Not having an income is devastating for someone who has worked all her life. Some days, I feel like I have nothing. There are still house payments and car payments to make and often times I feel like I have nothing to contribute. Despite of all the things that I do; like housework, homework, yard work and any work related things you could think of that involves 4 kids and a home – it doesn’t hide the fact that I bring in zero dollars in this household. There are days when this realization is hard to take.
Life at home has its own share of joy. Yes, I am one of those weird mothers who enjoy cleaning and doing the same chores over and over. What can I say? I’m a glutton for punishment. It took probably a good year for me to get used to living a life without a schedule. Anything goes in this household! In spite of all the preconceived ideas of any working mother contemplating on being a stay-at-home mom; I will be the first to tell you that it’s been absolutely rewarding. The rewards that I have gotten at the end of the day pales in comparison to taking home a paycheck. I kid around about leaving my kids behind to my husband if we ever get a divorce but my kids had been an absolute joy to have around. When my husband is out-of-town; I try to savor their undivided attention. We’ve had some really fun moments on our own and those are just my memories and not my husbands.
So I think, that’s where my point lies. When you are not around – someone else is creating all of these wonderful memories with your children. That in itself is a painful lesson. Your kids will love you the same, whether you are there or not. There will be disappointments but in the long run – they tend to forget! Kids these days are resilient and they just move on. I think stay-at-home mothers get a bad rap. Don’t you notice that it’s often the most important jobs that command the least respect?
What I do know is that I made the right choice for me. If you are a working mother, I have nothing against you. It is a choice and a that choice is yours to make. My mother may have some regrets on her own but I don’t want the same regrets someday. I’d be the first person to admit that I’ve made too many compromises in my life. Now that I am a little bit older and perhaps a tiny bit wiser; I don’t want to lose sight of what is important to me in the end.
Though I enjoyed working and talking to adults; nothing beats an afternoon nap with my 4-year old or hearing her belt out some original tunes. I don’t think we should have it all; I think life would be too easy if we did. I think we all have to suffer some, sacrifice some and come to realize that the time we have with our children is something we could never take back. So once in a while, put down the camera or your work laptop and don’t log into Facebook/MySpace or Friendster. Instead, spend some quality time with your kids. You will thank yourself in the end …
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